you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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