Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
