That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
