WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
