If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
