I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
