Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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