One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
