If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
My breasts were aching with rage.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
