I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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