I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
