my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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