the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
