If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
