she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
