I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
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Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
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He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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