You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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