I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
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