I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
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