it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
