so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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