WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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