Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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