i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
