I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
