I'd wear matching sweaters with you
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
This house was built for laser tag.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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