A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Randomize
