Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
