But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
