someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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