I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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