The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
