I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
