glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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