So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
