so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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