the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
