He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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