There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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