I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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