New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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