Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
