She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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