Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
