Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
