Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Randomize
