i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
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i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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