we have officially mastered the walk of shame
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
