There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
