Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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