Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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