I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
