I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
