So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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