god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
