You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
