took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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