in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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